The Why, The When, and The How — Identity and Motherhood
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
Now, I am one to wax poetic about the joys of motherhood. But I am also going to keep it real. Motherhood is hard. And a treasure. And exhausting. And fulfilling. And I’ve already been interrupted while trying to write this.
This has been an illuminating couple of years when it comes to my personal identity in and out of motherhood. Prior to becoming a mother, I had heard of women lamenting their loss of identity and sense of self while in the daily grind of parenting. You never think it will happen to you, then suddenly you’re a decade into parenting and you wonder why, when, and how a loss of self happened.
As women, we are often typecast into identities as it relates to others. We are mothers, wives, partners, sisters, daughters, caregivers, homemakers, employees, and managers. Who we are is often tied to who we are to others.
Imagine you are meeting new people at a work event or park or market. How do you introduce yourself?
Pause…
Shoot. Sitting and asking myself that question, I hear myself say,
Hi I’m Samantha, I’m Paul’s wife.
Hi I’m Samantha, I’m Emma’s mom.
Hi I’m Samantha, I work for this agency.
Hi I’m Samantha, I’m Diane’s daughter.
Yes, my identity is closely related to who I am in relation to those around me. But that’s not all of me. I am more than the sum of my parts. But I’ve lost some of myself along the way.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve been grappling with maintaining my identity outside of motherhood so that I can better show up for my family in motherhood. You can’t fill from an empty cup, or some other cliche nonsense that is nevertheless true.
I challenge myself to remember the why, the when, and the how of maintaining my individual identity.
The Why
Ultimately, I remind myself why I should show up for myself. Rooting one’s identity solely in external relationships diminishes the inherent worthiness of each individual. I am not just a mother. I get to mother these children and attempt to raise them into good humans so they eventually become wholly their own. They are not mine to control, but individuals to guide and nurture. I am not just a spouse. I have a wonderful partner whom I call friend, lover, and confidant, where we both encourage identity outside of the marriage and challenge one another to become better people. I am not just a dentist fixing one tooth at a time. I get to serve an underserved community with compassion, knowledge, connection, patience, and a little self-deprecating dental humor.
The When
Now, in busyness of raising five humans, the when has gotten away from me. I feel like I blinked and ten years passed. Well now that my eldest is almost 11, I am determined to answer the question of when do I find time for myself with now. When I show up for myself, everything feels just a little brighter and less suffocating. Breaking myself in the service of others ultimately helps no one. It builds resentment and results in burnout. If I am tired, I must rest. If I need nourishment, I must eat. If I need connection, I must reach out to a friend. If I need to recharge, I need to grab a book and a bath. Expressing and meeting my needs is just as important as fulfilling the needs of others.
The How
That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? There are often not enough moments in the day to accomplish all that needs to be done. Things get left behind. Tempers shorten. To-do lists lengthen. Plans change. But intentionally setting aside time for my needs is how I’ll maintain that balance in identity and motherhood. It is not enough to say, I’ll care for myself last when all the work is done. Truthfully, the work is never done. How I show up for myself is scheduling my runs, reading during my work lunch break instead of answering emails, and vocalizing to my family when I’m overstimulated and taking that time to regulate instead of lashing out. How I treat myself shows my children how they should show up for themselves and their mental health as they grow.
So hi, I’m Samantha. I am a mom, yes, but I am also a voracious reader. I have an unparalleled skill of finding the most perfect GIF to send someone. I will wear the same pair of pants for 10 years but jump at the chance to buy a new pair of earrings. My children are a complete joy and are often the most hilarious part of my day, but I also love when they spend a few weeks in the summer at their grandparents’ house so we can all recharge. I will cry watching any documentary about animals but have a dark sense of humor bordering on inappropriate. I love God, Jesus, and Mary with my whole heart, but I am also deeply disappointed with the American church and its rejection of the most vulnerable among us. I will find a movie quote from an early 2000s Will Ferrel movie to fit any situation. I am a deeply loyal friend but I will set and maintain boundaries to protect my children. I am a basic b**** when it comes to pumpkin spice in the autumn, but I will also proudly nerd out when it comes to a good biology joke.
Thanks for reading along, I hope you stay a while.
How will you show up for yourself today?
